fast times

springtime! hallelujah! all i want is the sun on my skin, the rain and snow have been getting me down.

just back from a weekend in SLT, which was fun but exhausting as usual. the general order of business when i'm there is to drink, smoke, and eat an unhealthy amount of fast food...this trifecta of good choices usually requires at least a two to three day recovery period, during which i spend a lot of time at home in my pajamas, surfing the internet and downloading music. there is often ice cream involved.

we dropped the "i love you" bomb this weekend too...it seems so early (we've only been together 2 months) and that frightens me. not because i doubt his feelings, i have nothing but faith that he loves me...which is both a strange and wonderful feeling. Really, it's me I'm worried about. Not to say that I don't love him. I do. I love how sweet and tender he can be. I love being in his arms. I love how much we laugh when we're together and how he actually wants to know me. I've been more honest and open with him than i've ever been with anyone, and I love that I feel safe enough with him to let my gaurd down like that. I am not a particularly trusting person, but I have nothing but faith in him. What scares me is how often we fight. We both have a tendency to pick at each other, to push each others buttons. It's generally petty things, and we almost always make up within an hour, but what if it just gets worse with time? I worry that it wont work out and that he will hate me for it...and i can't stand the thought of him hating me. In just two months hes become my best friend...i couldn't stand losing that.

i suppose, like i keep telling him, that i should stop looking for reasons for this to fail and just focus on how wonderful it is. because it is. it's wonderful.

i have nothing of importance to say...just wanted to share my love for Zooey Deschenal...can you blame me?

those eyes! that style! that VOICE!! Lord, i'm excited to see her portrayal of Janice, another woman I adore.

photographic obsession

i would like very much to live here sometime in the future.
or maybe here...possibly here...
doesn't really matter, i suppose. as long as i have this chair...
and this bed...

i know it's like, completely redundant at this point but, i want it.

take off your clothes.

so, i'm back in tahoe for the thanksgiving break, and as much as i miss home when i am away, i genuinely have no desire to move back here. don't misunderstand me, i love the place i grew up. i think it is one of the most beautiful places on the planet and i have heaps of wonderful memories and friends here, but it's just not a place i fell alive in. it's difficult to explain, but something about the lights and concrete of the city make me feel like myself. like i'm finally at peace in my own skin. it sounds strange, but the fact is that i just wasn't built for small towns. i need the constant light and motion and energy that only a city can offer. when i'm in tahoe, i feel as if there is a part of me missing, something that aches and reaches out for...something. i don't feel that in the city.

i'm currently reading Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman, which makes me giggle and think all at once, which is nice. it's essentially pop-culture commentary. very amusing. highly recommend it.